there and back again.
written 2000-07-24 21:54:48

So, in a whirlwind storm of travel, I was in Charlotte long enough to
blink, and I'm now back in California. To celebrate yet another flight
across the country, here are some more maxims of air travel.

- If you are seated in the exit rows, you may be called upon to operate
the doors in the event of an emergency. This means that you have been
genetically preselected as the most efficient Crisis Manager on-board, or
you appear to possess the degree in Engineering required to disengage all
the safety latches on the exit. But really:

- In the unlikely event of an accident, don't bother messing with the
door. Just sit down and shut up; if you don't do your job, someone's
bound to do it for you, and this might be your last opportunity ever to
slack off.

- Airplane bathrooms always smell like chemical death. This is due to the
blue fluid that is dispensed when you flush the toilet, or the 90-year
old woman that was in front of you in line, or both.

- I have been told that a simple guide to success is this: whenever you
board an airplane, be sure to check out what the people in First Class
are reading, and then read those things yourself. I've spent the last
three years looking at what First Class reads, and they are almost always
reading trashy romance novels, Danielle Steel, or Steven King. The
bourgesie of First Class almost exclusively read John Grisham. Back in
the proles' section of the plane, however, I've seen the cattle read
everything from Oscar Wilde to Steven Covey. You may draw your own

- No matter where you live and where you've been, if you've been
travelling since 4a.m., you are always happy to get home.


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