The life of an addict...
written 2000-03-19 17:45:09

It's the little things that keep me happy. On Friday I actually found a
Boston Market out here. Oh yes, life is good.

As I found myself irresistably drawn towards an overpriced, undersized,
yet strangely tastey Turkey Carver Combo, I had to pause for a moment and
marvel at the big sandwich board sign in front of the restaurant.

"Flu Shots: $9"

I am standing firm by my belief that advertisements involving disease and
bodily disfunction have a negative consumer effect when placed in front
of a restaurant. You might as well put up a sign that says, "Fresh Ebola
Virus: Come on in!"

Needless to say, I didn't get the flu shot, so the fact that I'm
suffering from the flu right now should come as no surprise.

When I woke up yesterday, I felt like mashed ass. You ever get that flu
that makes it hurt to move your eyeballs? The sort that makes you feel
like the world is going in slow motion? That was me yesterday. Naturally,
my first inclination in my weakened state was to operate some heavy
machinery, so I grabbed the keys to the car. I'd be damned if I was going
to just sit back and suffer, so off I went to Target to get some aspirin.

I now know something very disconcerting about these sort of
megastores: they are all magnets for families with screaming kids. With
the exception of Walmart, which is more like a hall of lost souls,
everything from Kmart to Caldor is like a badly mismanaged day care

My poor, ringing head was numb by the time I staggered up to the
checkout, thanks to the legions of overemotional rugrats screaming,
"MINE!" and other things less intelligible.

I didn't even make it out of the store before I was popping pills like
candy. According to the warning label on the bottle, you shouldn't ever
take more than two of these at a time. But hey, people smoke crack and
shoot heroin into their veins, and live to tell the tale, so if I can't
take three aspirin at once, I must be a lesser human being.

So if y'all never hear from me again, you know what happened: aspirin
overdose. People on this list will forever speak in hushed tones to their
children about, "The Aspirin Guy," and numerous afterschool specials
starring Brian Dennehy will be produced about my tragic tale. Who
knows? Maybe I can even get a miniseries on Lifetime Television.


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