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If I knew that updating a .plan file was this entertaining, I would have
started doing semi-regular updates a long time ago. Oh well. My web space
is located at and I can be reached via e-mail

Archived .plan entries can be seen at

*29 May 2003 - Evidence*

See? Now you've gone and done it, haven't you?

Two days and counting until we hit the deadline for turning in closing
arguments to the judge. Keep those fingers crossed.

*23 May 2003 - The .plan Gets Subpoenaed*

Just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't been able to update the
.plan for a few months now for a really good reason. You see, I was
subpoenaed and had to fly to a court about 2500 hundred miles away so that
I could testify in front of an actual judge in an actual courtroom. I was
on the stand for a little over an hour, and the questioning attorney knew
little about me other than what was posted on my web site (namely, my
resume and .plan). Her whole goal was to assassinate my character, and she
felt that the .plan was a cornucopia of character-bashing material. After
all, someone who points out the idiosyncrasies of religious people is
obviously a criminal of low moral character.

The sad thing is, she didn't even come close. It was awful. You've never
seen a legal professional lose her composure in a courtroom like this
before. Of course, when you happen to be a lawyer from a relatively remote
section of the southern US, you don't usually have to be Matlock to trip
people up during questioning.

Lawyer: "What is your relationship to the deceased?"
Yokel: "He's the guy I killed."
Lawyer: "I see."

Then again, when you get someone on the stand who has an IQ higher than your
average turnip, it's a bit harder to get them to exhibit blatant stupidity
and self-assassination of character during questioning. Add in the fact
that she was very confused by my answers that contained "complex technical
jargon" (words such as "Linux", "open source", and "embedded system") and
you've got an entertaining time all around. You should have seen how much
time we wasted when I was trying to explain to her what I do for a living.
If the baliff can understand what I do for a living and the lawyer can't, I
fear for our legal system.

The transcripts for this case are, beyond a doubt, going to be a hot item.
I'll have to scan in a few of the good parts if I can get my hands on a

I couldn't update the .plan for a while, since the court case was still
continuing. Basically, I didn't want to give the other side more ammunition
to use in the court (though they'd probably study the new ammunition quite
carefully before promptly shooting themselves with it). But, it looks like
the last day of the trial is now over. All that remains is a ten-day
period where the two sides submit their written closing arguments to the
judge. I'm taking the calculated risk that this little bit 'o update won't
influence the arguments either way, since I wanted to let everyone know
that the .plan will be back in action soon. I just couldn't risk updating
earlier. At best, this update would have been ignored if I had done it
earlier. At worst, I might have gotten my butt subpoenaed again and I'd
have to shove everything on hold to fly clear across the country to say,
"Satire is lost on you, isn't it?" in court again.

I'll fill everyone in once we get the final ruling for the case, since I
don't want to risk influencing the outcome any more than I have to.
Needless to say, this is one really good story.

When this .plan was written: 2003-05-29 05:11:55
.plan archives for this user are here (RSS here).
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Have her shaven and brought to my tent.