If I knew that updating a .plan file was this entertaining, I would have
started doing semi-regular updates a long time ago. Oh well. My web space
is located at http://nuthouse.org/~hendersa and I can be reached via e-mail
at hendersa@icculus.org.
Archived .plan entries can be seen at http://nuthouse.org/~hendersa/finger.
*******************************************************
*24 June 2002 - You Could Already Be A Minion: Part #1*
*******************************************************
Boy, I tell you folks what... I sure wasn't disappointed by the
entries I received for the "I Wanna Be a Minion" contest. I received
a total of 14 entries, the first *7* of which you're going to get a
chance to read in a minute. But first, I want you to understand how
our fine HR staff here at The Master .Plan For World Domination went
about rating the applications. Here is the e-mail that I sent out to
each applicant when I received his/her application e-mail:
****** Begin HR E-mail ******
To all potential minion/henchman/lieutenant applicants:
First off, we of the Master .Plan For World Domination would like to
thank you for applying for such a prestigious position amongst the
general riff-raff of the internet. We understand that both your free
time and attention span are in short supply, so it doesn't need to be
said that we are rather suprised that you took the time to apply in
the first place.
But, I guess we said it anyway. Oh well.
The scoring criteria for a position of honor amongst our fine
organization is based upon our general rating of the applications
received. Our staff feels that it would be of interest to you to hear
how we rate our candidates (in hopes of helping you on any future
minion applications you may make). So without further ado, let's take
a look at the ten points of the basic system:
1. If you had an exceptionally long application (over 3 kb in size),
you get bonus points simply because our staff can't believe you spent
that much time on this.
2. If you had mentioned what country you are a citizen of, your accent
will have an outcome on your final score. And no, we aren't telling
which ones we like and which ones we don't. Watch a few James Bond
films and decide who were the best bad guys. Work from there.
3. If you had at least one thing in your application that we found
funny, you get bonus points. If you said more than one thing that we
found funny, those bonus points increase exponentially. We ARE doing
this for fun, after all, right?
4. If you mentioned how your skills would directly benefit the
organization, you get bonus points. After all, it's great if you're
evil and whatnot, but how does that help us? More skills equates to
more points. The magnitude of the bonus increases dramatically if
your skills directly benefit Andrew.
5. Your first five spelling errors in your application are freebies.
After that, the Red Pen of Correction +3 comes out in force and you
start losing points. We don't like people that make mistakes around
here. Today, you just make a few spelling mistakes. Tomorrow, you'll
be accepting cookies laced with drain cleaner from the prisoners. We
know your type.
6. If you mention any sort of education beyond grade school in your
application, you get bonus points. We appreciate the level of effort
and commitment that you have invested in your "PhD in Death Ray
Construction", etc., etc.. Having some brains also means that we're
somewhat more comfortable about trusting you with weapons.
7. If you sound somewhat likeable in your application, you get a few
extra bonus points. After all, we're going to have to see you at the
Christmas party this year, so why not try to make it an enjoyable
experience?
8. If you are a girl, you get bonus points. We have no justification
for this aside from the fact that we like them. Don't complain. We
have guns.
9. If your application is coherent, you get bonus points. If you say
you have the strength to throw a bus, but your application is a
rambling mess, we're led to believe that you can indeed throw a bus,
but are probably on drugs while doing so.
10. If, within your application e-mail, you mention that you enjoy
reading the .plan, you get bonus points. The stories of the .plan are
the whole reason why you're here in the first place, after all.
As you can see, we of the Master .Plan For World Domination are going
to have one heck of a time grading your application. This criteria
will be published in the .plan after the contest has concluded so that
the public at large can see how you have been judged. Please do not
release this criteria until Monday, 24 June 2002, since knowing the
judgement criteria prior to applying would obviously give an applicant
a serious advantage.
You will be notified by e-mail no less than 48 hours after the close
of the contest as to whether or not you have been accepted for a
position with our organization. Thank you for your application, your
time, and for reading the .plan. Make sure that nothing you read in the
.plan ever happens to you.
Sincerely,
The HR Minions
The Master .Plan For World Domination
****** End HR E-mail ******
As you can see, we are benevolent and fair here at the .plan. We're
even more fair if you are female.
So, without further ado, let us begin grading our applicants. The way
it works is pretty simple. I'll list the application in bold print,
and any comments I make will be in italic print. This way, you'll
get to see these applications in all of their splendor.
Candidate 1/14: Brad
Position: Minion
****** Begin Application ******
To the Director of the Evil Minion Application Processing;
Where would you start on an Application for any good job in the world.
You would start with the job skills that you have, of course. In the
position of Minion of Evil, their are several job skills that I posses
that would become infinitely handy.
The ability to stand around.
The ability to shout.
The ability to twitch a finger.
The ability to use a flashlight.
The ability to withstand monotony.
Now these skills are usually not very useful when it comes to normal job
skills. But as a minion of evil, this makes me a highly versatile agent
of destruction.
(It'll be interesting to see where he takes this.)
First of all, the ability to stand around. This is a highly used, and a
very highly appreciated trait among many of the top guards within evil
corporations and armies. How many secret agents and would be
hero-commandos would have waltzed right into an enemies camp without
this trait. The ability to stand around lets me guard that one door to
your Super-Destructive-Earth Shattering Secret Weapon that you do not
sabotaged before your final day of victory. If I did not have this
ability, anyone could just walk right in and snip a couple wires without
you ever knowing it, causing you to lose a crucial battle, or not follow
up on a world ransom bid.
(Sounds somewhat valuable: +10)
Secondly, I have the ability to shout. Everyone knows that evil minions
do not have the ability to shoot. Especially when it is a secret agent
or a well-beloved hero. Therfore, the ability to shout is very useful.
It allows the easily out-gunned minion to call upon his fellow minions,
and maybe even lieutenatns, to fall upon the unsuspecting hero. The
shout may even alrert the master of all evil, allowing him to escape
unscathed from the stalwart hero.
(Yelling isn't my thing, but it sounds handy: +10)
Ah yes, the ability to twitch a finger. A definite must in a would-be
minion. When theircalls for help don't work,(see earlier paragraph)
sometimes the minions must be called upon to deal with the aggresor.
Shoot first and ask questions later, is the minions motto, and the
ability to twitch a finger is definitely a high priority when you have
to follow that motto.
(Remind me never to put this guy in charge of anything that involves
pushing buttons with this finger of his: +10)
The ability to use a flashlight is one for a very specialized job.
Everyday or so, the sun tends to disapeer from the sky, which shadows
the area in which your base may be located. This can be very useful when
attacking, but this unlucky turn of events can also be a terror for
defending. The ability to use a flashlight to illuminate objects can
translate to being a spotlight operator. When you need to watch your
camp in the dead of night, in case any would be saboteurs manage to
sneak in, a spotlight operator would be very handy.
(It gets dark? You don't say. The spotlight bit sounds good: +10)
And finally, the ability to withstand monotony. The ability to stand
around is a nice trait, but one that can be more crucial is this. When
you are standing in one place, you have a tendency to only see a small
part of the camp. By walking in a patrol, on the same route, over and
over again, one can cover much more area, and maybe even catch the
fore-mentioned intruder in the act, by never leaving a place unguarded.
(You, m'lad, are well suited for a position with the Department of
Transportation: +10)
As you can see, these seemingly innocent job skills can make me a very
useful minion in the fields of Gateway Security, Alarm Management,
Negotitions Handler, Illuminations Expert, and Patrol Officer. As a
highly versatile minion, I can easily fill in those holes that your
army may have been lacking.
(We're lacking holes?)
Sincerely,
Dr. Brad Smith
Doctor of Evilology
Minor in Getting Rid of those Darn Cats that Always Make Noises in Higly
Secured Areas.
(Doctor of Evilology? Funny: +10)
****** End Application 1/14 ******
In addition, Brad racked up the following score modifiers:
- Exceptionally long: +25
- Higher education (PhD): +20
- Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
- Spelling: -20
This gives Brad a whopping 100 points. Boy, I can tell already
that the bar is going to be set pretty high on this competition. Good
job, Brad! How long did you spend writing that thing?
Candidate 2/14: Kama
Position: Minion
****** Begin Application ******
Among all people, those who are evil become lawyers.
Among all lawyers, those who are more evil become tax lawyers.
Among all tax lawyers, those who are very evil become government tax
lawyers.
Among all government tax lawyers, those that are the most evil go to work
for the legislature.
I am that lawyer and I want to be your evil minion.
(My own tax lawyer? Ooooh! : +30)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Kama racked up the following score modifiers:
- Higher education (a requirement for a government lawyer): +20
- Coherent: +5
- Female: +30
Kama's application weighs in at 85 points. Having a tax lawyer
on staff would be very handy indeed. Kama loses out on the "likeable"
bonus because of the lawyer status, though. In my efforts to
determine if 'Kama' is a man's name or a woman's name (sorry, Kama...
we Americans suck at things like this, so I appreciate the clarification
that you sent in), I determined that Kama's credentials are actually
pretty impressive. That makes me wonder what brought her to the .plan
in the first place. Oh well. I'm doing my part to disrupt the
functioning of the government, so that warms my heart a little.
Candidate 3/14: Bob
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
As for the other thing, I aspire to be a lieutenant (as I'm British I
pronounce it "leff-tennant" rather than the U.S. "loo-tennant" or even the
French "lyer-tenon" etc.) I don't know if you've ever seen Doctor Who
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/) - if you haven't buy/rent/borrow lots
of videos asap. There's one episode, a Jon Pertwee one, that springs to
mind due to the excellent line uttered by Brigadier (military link)
Lethbridge-Stewart. Essentially, lots of demons and other nasties had
invaded an english village and some soldiers (led by the Brigadier) were
dispatched to sort it out. On seeing a nasty looking so-and-so (an animated
gargoyle with horns, wings, fangs etc.), he ordered a soldier next to him:
"Chap with wings - five rounds rapid".
(Oh come on now, that's pretty funny and you know it: +10)
Oh well, fairly stream of consciousness so far. Why do I
qualify to join your merry band? Err, I know the meaning of "cran",
"slubberdegullion" and "palimpsest" so if you need any tricky words
spelling for you or other word related functions I might be your man.
(I expect, being an evil overlord type, that you dice with death on
numerous occasions. If Death ever challenged you to a game of
Scrabble (rather than dice) I could come in handy for that vital
triple word score.)
(Having someone that's willing to take my place when I'm up against
Death? That's one hell of a good person to have around: +50)
Any other qualifications? When I was a student I lived in rooms
built before white people arrived in America (1448). I also can deal
with the perils of the Cambridge graduation ceremony
(http://www.geocities.com/rainforest/1106/cam/shp_grad.html)
(Well, he's used to cheap housing already. That's useful: +10)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Bob racked up the following score modifiers:
- SPECIAL ACCENT BONUS: +30 (British/Lieutenant combination)
- Higher education (Hey, he at least lived at college for a while): +5
- Likeable: +10 (Pip, pip!)
- Coherent: +5
Bob's application scored 120. The Queen Mum would be proud.
Candidate 4/14: Greg
Position: Minion or Henchman
****** Begin Application ******
I would clearly be an excellent candidate for minioncy, if not a
henchman for a number of reasons.
1) I can function well as an heathen to christrian translater
after my many years in the midst of both. I have no allergies to
holy water, and in most cases people miss my horns staring at
my huge nose.
(I won't have to talk to Christian people again? That's worth
+30, easy. That's also pretty funny, so we'll give him +10 for that
as well.)
2) I enjoy watching things burn, and in a slightly less stable
state was responsible for coercing someone into juggling flaming
torches... indoors.
(No fear of fire? We might have an infantry position available
for you: +10)
3) I have been told on at least 3 occaisions that I resemble a
murderer, at least once by a woman I was offering a ride to.
(Well, there goes the likeability bonus.)
4) My manb00bs are always available for any Master .plan
Promotional materials.
(OK, WHOA, hold it. Do you think this guy is bluffing? Well, I've
got news for you... he's NOT. He even sent me this picture. Think
twice before you click on that link, kids. For that fearless display
of ummm... HIM, Greg scores an additional +20 for showing that he has
undying loyalty. He scores an additional +10 on top of that because
he used permanent marker. You scare me, Greg.)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Greg racked up the following score modifiers:
- Coherent: +5
That brings Greg in with a final score of 85. I hope that that
writing will one day come off his body.
Candidate 5/14: Chris
Position: Minion
****** Begin Application ******
Why should you let me be your minion? Well, cost is the major issue. Fairly
hard trying to take over/rule the world when you're broke. One of the ways
you can save money is to use me as the assasin minion. At 6'5", and 160
pounds, I fold up into most boxes, and it wont cost TOO much to fedex me to
the victem of your choice, so when they absolutly, positively have to be
killed next day, it wont cost an arm and a leg. :)
(Well, he easily gets a +20 for the 'folding up into the box' bit,
and it saves the .plan money by FedEx'ing his scrawny butt by freight
mail, so that's another +10. He also gets +10 for being an
assassin.)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Chris racked up the following score modifiers:
- He's thin, flexible, and fits easily into most overhead storage
bins. Now just TRY to tell me that wouldn't be a hit at parties.
Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
In the end, Chris comes out of this with 55 points. Not too
shabby for a guy who fits in a box and kills people.
Candidate 6/14: A.
Position: Minion
****** Begin Application ******
Name: Withheld for reasons of security
Location: Withheld for reasons of security
Position: Withheld for reasons of security
Skills to recommend me: Withheld for reasons of security
Medical History: Withheld for reasons of secureity
(Your position of minion is being withheld for reasons of
security.)
As you can see, I would make a perfect minion. With world politics
heating up and the United States in contention for the Cup, we will
need operatives in remote locations, to further the conspiracy. As
you are well aware, Machiavelli would dictate those of us with l337
skillz to sow dissent and weaken the enemy's cohesiveness, while
seperating them from their supporters.
(Well, he has the mission statement down right, so that's worth
+10.)
****** End Application ******
In addition, A. racked up the following score modifiers:
- Coherent: +5
Wow... a whole whopping 15 points on that one. Don't call
us... we'll call you, OK? How do we know how good you are if you
don't tell us anything?
Candidate 7/14: Matt
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
To Andrew W. Henderson,
Evil leaders shouldn't be bothered wrangling hordes of minions and lackeys.
When would you find the time to build that France leveling laser beam if
you're constantly surround by inept minions and green lieutenants? Yes sir,
what you need is a man willing to train, motivate, and keep the swelling
throng of wanna be evil doers at bayand out of your way.
(You know, France always did kinda bother me: +15)
I'm your man. I'm well versed in all things both blunt, sharp, and shooty.
(For some odd reason, I find the "shooty" bit funny: +10)
Not only do I have a firm and intuitive grasp of both small and large scale
tactics, i'm a strong motivator and excel at both training and lackey
herding. Though I have several "Successful" revolts and uprisings to my name
already, I'm looking to move out of the private sector and throw in my lot
with an Evil Genious with vision and goals I can agree with.
(Revolts in the private sector? Must be hostile corporate
takeovers. Anyway, he's got experience, so that's useful: +20)
For recommendations I can send you a list of previous Evil Overlords who can
attest to my Horde managment skills.
(Hey, at least I can copy previous employee handbooks this guy has,
rather than bothering to write my own: +10)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
****** End Application ******
In addition, Matt racked up the following score modifiers:
- Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
Well Matt, you are indeed a cut above the norm with your score of
60 points. I think the troops are pretty motivated as it is,
but maybe we could use in the propoganda department. If this whole
lieutenant thing doesn't end up happening for you, that is.
So anyway, there you have the first half of the entrants in the "I
Wanna Be A Minion" contest. Pretty interesting crowd, eh? But wait!
There's MORE! Stay tuned to see the final *7* applications of those
that feel they've got the right stuff.
Next update: You Could Already Be A Minion: Part #2
*******************************************************
*25 June 2002 - You Could Already Be A Minion: Part #2*
*******************************************************
It's time to dig into the second half of the stack o' applications
I've received for the "I Wanna Be A Minion" contest here at the .plan.
Our wildly accurate scoring system was explained in the last .plan
update, so let's just jump into the last 7 applications that are in
consideration.
Without further ado, we're off to part #2.
Candidate 8/14: Abel
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
Mr. Henderson,
First off I would like to say that you should not be the one "Hiring" your
minions. You should have Generals to do this.
(Let me clarify this by saying that our HR staff is NOT comprised
of generals.)
You should be spending your time perfecting your plans to take over
the world (or at least Canada).
(Canada sounds like a good place to start: +10)
I would recommend 3 Generals (Sea, Air, Land). I would be more than
capable of taking the Air Corps. I have several years experience
commanding troops in the Orkish Air Corps and training specialized
troops for the Midnight Goblin Brigade. Both units can boast a 100%
success rate of primary target destruction. With my experience
Recruiting/Training/Motivating troops at your side, you will have the
time you need to design your master plan.
(Offhand, I'd say someone has spent too much time playing
Warcraft II. Still, some battle experience is better than no
experience at all: +10)
As for the other two Generals (Sea and Land) Those are up to you, I
have experience with Ground troops, but none with sea troops. I would
be more than willing to give you my expert opinion on other
prospective Generals but in the end the decision is yours and yours
alone. In short, hire some of us to do the dirty work for you while
you sit on your throne and take over the world.
(Ummm... I don't have a throne. I have an office chair with
wheels on it. And last I checked, the only goblin ground units
available were goblin sappers. True, a full brigade of those guys
would have tremendous destructive capability, but it would be absolute
murder when it came to recruitment and retaining troops.)
As for my salary requirements, they are pretty simple. I would
need funds to train and operate my troops and when you do take over
the world I would like all of Europe (except France).
(All of Europe? Keep dreaming. I might be willing to part
with two, and perhaps even three, countries in western Europe. But
you get them ONLY if you take France as well. Take it or leave it.)
Thank you for your time,
Abel
Commander of the Orkish Air Corps
Leader of the Midnight Goblin Brigade
(He's got a title that inspires fear: +10)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Abel racked up the following score modifiers:
- Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
This gives Abel a total of 45 points. He's got some battle
savvy, but it's rather specialized. I might have to call him in for a
special mission here or there.
Candidate 9/14: Vassago
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
Dark Master,
(Yup, that's me. I think.)
I don't want to be a minion or even a henchman, I want to be a
lieutenant. You ask what my qualifications are??
(Yes, I do. That's kinda the whole point of this.)
have been a Sysadmin AND helpdesk tech support.....
(There's some definite battle experience in that: +10)
8 years in the armed service (so I have the ability to grovel and beg
and follow orders)
(You only have to beg and grovel if you didn't follow orders,
and even then it's not going to do you much good. Still, the military
experience is a plus: +10)
Mock and ridicule people at work with no thought to consequences
(well, not quite true but I don't care what they think)
I ring telemarketers to annoy them.
(Well, there goes the likeability bonus.)
If all else fails I can always lick the toejam from your feet.
(I don't think so: -10)
Vassago
****** End Application ******
In addition, Vassago racked up the following score modifiers:
- Coherent: +5
Well Vassago, you end up with 15 points. A hint for the
future: keep any mention of licking someone's feet off your resume.
Trust us on this one.
Candidate 10/14: Jess
Position: Minion
****** Begin Application ******
You need me as a minion.
(Oh do I, now?)
I'm 20. Blonde. Female. Good looking.
(Well, OK... maybe I DO need you as a minion.)
I hate wearing clothing.
(You'll like the female minion field operative uniform, then.
It's pretty minimal and made of spandex. Since you appear to be
predisposed to wearing this kind of clothing, and you won't require
the rudimentary brainwashing required to get you to wear the
uniform in the first place... that's certainly a major benefit:
+50)
See, the way I figure it, you can't take over the world while anyone is
looking, it's all about misdirection. So, you can rely on Britney Spears to
distract the mainstream, but you'll need me if anyone comes poking around
wondering what you're doing.
You probably know already, women are VERY distracting.
(Distracting? You don't say.)
For an added bonus, I can administer linux and windows systems and clean
your house, and build a potato cannon. From what I've heard, I'm good in
bed too.
(Let's see... that's +10 for the Linux, +10 for the cleaning,
and +10 for the spud artillery. We'll just leave that last one
uncategorized.)
As for my boyfriend... he can be taken care of.
(Moral flexibility is a benefit in this line of work: +10)
Blue skies!
-Jess
****** End Application ******
In addition, Jess racked up the following score modifiers:
- Likeable: +10
- Liked the .plan: +10
- Coherent: +5
- Female: +30
Jess appears to be the next evolutionary step of the "minion sapien"
race with her impressive score of 145 points. She certainly
knows how to utilize all of the weapons at her disposal. Does your
mother know you're writing e-mails like this to total strangers, Jess?
Candidate 11/14: Henry
Position: Henchman
****** Begin Application ******
As da subec' line states, I'm applin' for da position of Henchman, OK?
I ain't cut out to be Minion material, see? If I wuz, I woulda stayed
married, if ya know what I mean.
(I can see this application is going to be pretty interesting.)
Awright. What are da duties of a henchman, as I see dem?
Well ta paraphrase Abbie Hoffman: "The first duty of a [henchman] is to
get away with it." I made it through high school widdout getting'
arrested.
'Nuff said.
(All you wanna-be evil folks in the crowd would do well to
follow Henry's example and read the book Steal This Book by
Abbie Hoffman. Last I heard, it was out of print, so just go to your
local library and check it out. Or steal it. One of the two.
Anyway, for doing his homework: +10)
Da next is loyalty tuh his employer. I taught Computer Science at da
University of New Haven for nine years. Do ya' think I wuz getting'
paid any kind of money? No way! If yuh tink so, ya haven't taught at
a univoisity dat wusn't covered wid ivy on it's walls. No, I didn't
do it for da money, so dat's loyalty for ya right there. If I hadn't
had dat' little business on da side, I wouldn't-a been able to support
doze coupla little hobbies I have. ("Shuddup, Vinnie: doze are
hobbies, not habits!") I don't know why I put up wid dat guy. Vinnie:
dere's a Minion for ya.
(Loyalty is a big plus: +20)
Anyway, da next duty of a Henchman is ta be able tuh enforce da wishes of
his boss, see? I'm a netwoik administrator who used to be a SysAdmin
who's done hardware repair, programming and customer support (!) in his
day. Yeah, I can enforce da policies of my superior, all right. And if
ya' don't tink I can find out what dere doin' on da side, you don't have
any idea of the collection of liddle tools I've built up over da years,
some of which I've developed myself. Dey'll enforce policies, all right.
(Well, at least he'll take the brunt of any complaints that come in,
so that's easily worth +10)
Now, den. I also got fleet little fingers in da pocket and on da locks,
which can come in real handy for woild domination. How fleet? Well,
dere's dat little incident in London, and yes I do mean England. True, I
found it advisable to catch da foist plane outa da country (you woulda'
too) but I got away wid da relics, and I still got 'em. Both uh dem.
Again, 'nuff said, especially 'cause I don't know what da statue of
limitations is ("Dat's a pun, Vinnie!" He's such a moron.) and I don'
wanna find out.
(Well, that's +10 for the skills, and -5 for the pun.)
I gotta lotta udder little talents dat we needn't go intuh in unencrypted
e-mail and, as ya can see, I come wid my own minion, so yer getting
quality Henchman material here, and yer getting two servants for da price
uh one.
(I'm leaving the scoring on this one neutral, since I have no idea
what kind of qualifications "Vinnie" has.)
Oh, yes. I know all da back roads of New Joisey, especially around the
Pinies (which can be real handy when yer assemblin' material for woild
domination) and I can show ya where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. In fact, I can
show ya six or eight places.
(Oh, the FBI is just going to love talking to you. That's +10
for the information about the materials.)
Me? I got outta dere. I dun a lotta tings, and now I tink I'm ready for
woild domination. So I hope ya choose me. And Vinnie? He comes wid me
for free. He's a putz, but he does what I tell him. Yuh don' like
Vinnie? No problem: he don' always sit wid his back against da wall, ha
ha ha!
(Once again, moral flexibility is a good thing: +10)
-Henry
****** End Application ******
In addition, Henry racked up the following score modifiers:
- SPECIAL ACCENT BONUS: +30 (Jersey/Henchman combination)
- Exceptionally long: +25
- Higher education: +10 (At least a Masters degree to teach)
- Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
It appears that Henry, one of the few wiseguys that's actually wise,
managed to swindle a score of 145. Not shabby at all. I
wonder if he picks his teeth with a pocket knife?
Candidate 12/14: Gary
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
Application for position as "Lieutenant for Burning Stuff".
I like to burn stuff.
(Ummmm... you don't say.)
OK. Extended version:
I have extensive experience of burning things, most notably in
combination with juggling (I imagine you've already seen the webpage
with pics, and I don't have lovely jubblies, so I won't bother giving
you a link), frequently where the flames come from my mouth.
(OK, that's +10 for using the word "jubblies", and +10 for the flame
from the mouth. Had you mentioned juggling dynamite or hand grenades,
there would have been additional points awarded.)
Not only have I done that, I also have a tendency towards
experimentation with various forms of candle wax, PVC tubing, and other
associated acts of non-destructive vandalism.
(Since I'm going to need someone in charge of the pyrotechnics
whenever I have to stand on a stage and make demands to the UN, I
think this is worth +10.)
I have two passports with which I can effectively travel
anywhere in the civilised world, with legal impunity.
(OK, now this particular item is very handy: +20)
Did I mention I like burning stuff?
(Now that you mention it, I believe it has come up before.)
Gary (-;
****** End Application ******
In addition, Gary racked up the following score modifiers:
- SPECIAL ACCENT BONUS: +30 (British/Lieutenant combination)
- Likeable: +10 (Pip, pip!)
- Coherent: +5
Gary does a smashing job of representing the UK with a score
of 95 points. And with a nickname like "Chunky Kibbles", you
know that this lad shows promise.
Candidate 13/14: Tanja
Position: Partner???
****** Begin Application ******
I should probably check your site more often. I hadn't been here in a
while and almost missed the Minion Application deadline. Would hate
that. I would have to say I'm probably not suited for "minion"
however. I have already been awarded the title of "Ruler of the
Undead" in other circles and would be willing to partner with you in
taking over the world.
(While I'm not too crazy about the idea of handing off some of my
power to another person, I'll be the first to admit that having the
"Ruler of the Undead" as a partner wouldn't be a bad deal.)
"Why the hell should I make you a partner?" you ask. Do you have a ruler
for your undead army when you take over the world? You weren't planning on
using live soldiers were you? They're only loyal if you feed and pay them.
The expense can become exorbitant.
(The lady makes an excellent point: +20)
With an army of undead, all you have to worry about are the generals
you need to push the army in the right direction. You don't even need
parachutes for the airborne division. Just shove them out of the
plane. Bodies raining down does tend to put a damper on rebellions.
(OK, now THAT'S funny: +20)
I am also quite familiar with the "100 Things I Will Never Do When I
Become Evil Overlord" list.
(Good. That's required reading during orientation: +10)
I await your decision with breathless anticipation.
--Ruler of the Undead
<aside>In case you're thinking "Wow, this chick is nuts..." just remember,
you did ask for creativity :-)</aside>
(Thank you for playing along!)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Tanja racked up the following score modifiers:
- Likeable: +10
- Coherent: +5
- Female: +30
Tanja, the Queen of the Undead, racks up a total of 95 points.
Not bad at all, Tanja. I wonder if she sits around and thinks of ways
to utilize the undead or if it just comes to her at a moment's whim.
Either way, I imagine her parents are proud of her, being the Queen of
the Undead and all.
Candidate 14/14: Lshmael
Position: Lieutenant
****** Begin Application ******
By this time, you have undoubtedly received several other less
talented applications for minionship. That's nice, but I do not want
that position. Nor do I want to be a henchman so I can "whack"
people. I'll do that anyway. Instead, I have complied several
reasons why you should make me one of your lieutenants.
(He kills people for kicks?)
1. I have incredible foresight and luck.
In my last email to you, I noted that the first attempt to send my
vote for another episode of ROTC mishaps failed:
> The first time I tried sending this, it failed. Bleh. Lucky for you, I am a
> perseverant person. ;)
Now had I given up and assumed that you were dead or somesuch, the
result would have been a tie between the ROTC and wedding camps, which
would have made it necessary for you to count the three votes received
after the midnight deadline. Thus, my fortuitous nature, equal to
that of Napoleon, will definitely come in hand when we fight the
"Mother of All Battles," especially if you are too busy during the
battle being hit by a car or something.
(Now wait a second here... if you had foresight, wouldn't you have
known that the mail was going to bounce in the first place? And what
is a car doing out on the battlefield? Oh well... you've put a lot of
effort into this one, so you get +10 for effort.)
2. I know my role.
While minions and henchmen have simple tasks like working in salt
mines or roughing up uppity political leaders, lieutenants have the
more thankless role of trying to organize it all. The normal
lieutenant must answer such questions as: How many henchmen to send to
steal the nuclear weapons? Who should guard the secret agent, Bob
from Marketing, or Bludgeon from Enforcement? What happened to the
memo sent to the United Nations? Was it lost? Did we pay for
insurance? Should another one be sent?
(Yes, that is indeed the typical lieutenant job description.)
But the super-lieutenant does more that this: they also find hot new
weapons, doomsday devices, evil henchmen, and resources for the Evil
Empire to use. Thus, I have compiled a short list to show my
abilities:
http://www.userfriendly.org - I'll talk about Pitr here, but I know
you already know about these people. So I'll be quiet.
(Indeed. Not only has the .plan been the User Friendly link of the
day before, but I also have the dubious distinction of having swiped
four beanbag chairs from the User Friendly booth at Linux World in San
Jose, CA a few years back.)
http://www.sluggy.com - Laser cannons, megalomaniac bunnies,
megalomaniac demons, beautiful women under mind control, giant
robots...need I say more?
(You forgot the demonic shadows, Santa's Black Ops elves, and killer
corporate xenomorphs. Sluggy has some of those, too.)
http://www.villainsupply.com - All those things the evil genius
needs, from evil lairs to evil uniforms to evil multilevel marketing
schemes.
(I actually just saw this the other day on Slashdot. If Slashdot gets
a link to me before you do, then I KNOW that you're lagging behind.)
http://tanksforsale.co.uk - We could save money by refurbishing and
retrofitting these Eastern European armored vehicles, creating a
massive armored army of Panzer proportions and strength.
(This link I had not seen before. Therefore: +10)
3. The empire's future is guaranteed!
Let's assume you pull an Alexander the Great and die after your
empire is created, but without leaving a stable line of succession.
Now, with other lieutenants, you empire would split into smaller
kingdoms. However, if I was your lieutenant, my planning would
include this contingency. Immediately after the other lieutenants
learned of your death, they would be quickly assassinated, creating
chaos among the leaderless troops. Luckily, yours truly would
reluctantly accept the reins of leadership ad continue your master
.plan, so to speak.
(I hate to break this to you, but I make up this plan as I go along.
Also, I'd prefer to NOT hear what is going to take place after my
death unless it involves killing everyone else as well.)
4. I look good in eight bits.
Really, I do. And let's not forget the alliteration of "Lieutenant
Lshmael." Cool, huh?
(OK, that's pretty funny: +10)
5. Not choosing me would be hazardous to your future health.
Let us assume that through some careless mix of alcohol, illegal
drugs, and other minion applications, you decide not to choose me as
one of your lieutenants. Will you immediately struck by lightening?
Will the earth swallow you up? No, of course not. I do not hold that
much power...yet. <cue ominous music here>
(I just KNOW you aren't stupid enough to continue with this.)
Yes, the emphasis is on the last word in that paragraph (not "here,"
of course, but "yet"). If I were to be passed over for this position,
I would have no choice but to declare myself in vehement opposition to
your claim upon Earth and all of its people. Instead of you receiving
my aid and advice, your minions would have to fight my minions (did I
mention I would already bring a select group of minions along with me
to the position?), instead of fighting the forces of Good. Even
worse, I might join forces with this "Good" for the sole purpose of
squelching you. Even better, this would give me the opportunity to
sweep in at the end of the epic battle and completely subjugate the
world.
(Hmmmm... let me think. Oh yeah! : -100)
What does this mean to you? What would your life be like? Well,
remember that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey, when the dead astronaut
is floating alone in the emptiness of space? Anyway, the choice is
yours: my complete loyalty or your head, delivered to me on a platter.
Just remember: in space, nobody can hear you scream...
(Hmmmm... let me think once again. Oh yeah! : -200)
****** End Application ******
In addition, Lshmael racked up the following score modifiers:
- Exceptionally long: +25
- Coherent: +5
That gives Lshmael the rather impressive score of -240 points.
Congratulations, Lshmael... you've set a new world record. Not only
are you NOT going to become a lieutenant, you have officially been
moved from the "Kill these guys last" list to the "Kill these guys
first" list. You know that assassin guy who fits in boxes? I'll be
FedEx'ing him to you shortly.
AND FINALLY... THE RESULTS!!
The field of candidates has now been scored, so it's time to get this
party started. I decided a while back that I was going to accept a
total of four applications. Two of the four are your basic minion
positions, one would be a henchman, and one would be a lieutenant. So
judging from the scores of the applications, the winners of the "I
Wanna Be A Minion" contest are:
- Our new "Lieutenant of Deadly Scrabble" position is filled by none
other than Bob, who has proven his worth with his outstanding score of
120 points. Pip, pip, old chap!
- Our new "Henchman Uh Many Talents" position is filled by the
incredibly articulate Henry, who shows us with his score of
145 points that even folks from New Jersey can sometimes come
out on top.
- Our new "Minion of Distracting Jubblies" position is filled by the
lovely and talented Jess, who has secured this position with her
unbelievable score of 145 points and her willingness to scamper about
near naked.
- Our new "Minion of Guarding Things - First Class" position is filled
by the incredibly methodical Dr. Brad, who has shown he's the man for
the job with his score of 100 points. We'll have that spotlight ready
for you, Brad.
To all of you that applied to be minions, henchmen, lieutenants,
partners, and generals... thank you! You folks did a marvelous job
with these applications. As for the winners, you will indeed be
receiving prizes, but it'll be a little bit before they show up in
your e-mail inboxes. Keep your eyes peeled, though... they'll be
there eventually.
