It's the little things that keep me happy. On Friday I actually found a Boston Market out here. Oh yes, life is good. As I found myself irresistably drawn towards an overpriced, undersized, yet strangely tastey Turkey Carver Combo, I had to pause for a moment and marvel at the big sandwich board sign in front of the restaurant. "Flu Shots: $9" I am standing firm by my belief that advertisements involving disease and bodily disfunction have a negative consumer effect when placed in front of a restaurant. You might as well put up a sign that says, "Fresh Ebola Virus: Come on in!" Needless to say, I didn't get the flu shot, so the fact that I'm suffering from the flu right now should come as no surprise. When I woke up yesterday, I felt like mashed ass. You ever get that flu that makes it hurt to move your eyeballs? The sort that makes you feel like the world is going in slow motion? That was me yesterday. Naturally, my first inclination in my weakened state was to operate some heavy machinery, so I grabbed the keys to the car. I'd be damned if I was going to just sit back and suffer, so off I went to Target to get some aspirin. I now know something very disconcerting about these sort of megastores: they are all magnets for families with screaming kids. With the exception of Walmart, which is more like a hall of lost souls, everything from Kmart to Caldor is like a badly mismanaged day care center. My poor, ringing head was numb by the time I staggered up to the checkout, thanks to the legions of overemotional rugrats screaming, "MINE!" and other things less intelligible. I didn't even make it out of the store before I was popping pills like candy. According to the warning label on the bottle, you shouldn't ever take more than two of these at a time. But hey, people smoke crack and shoot heroin into their veins, and live to tell the tale, so if I can't take three aspirin at once, I must be a lesser human being. So if y'all never hear from me again, you know what happened: aspirin overdose. People on this list will forever speak in hushed tones to their children about, "The Aspirin Guy," and numerous afterschool specials starring Brian Dennehy will be produced about my tragic tale. Who knows? Maybe I can even get a miniseries on Lifetime Television. --ryan.