For the past two weeks, I've been on business trips all over the countryside. Two trips, actually, each one being a week long. So, if you're wondering why I vanished all of a sudden, well... here I am again. Those two weeks were not without exciting and noteworthy moments, so expect a few .plan updates coming soon with all of the educational and entertaining narration about my life that you've come to expect. Even mundane stuff can seem exciting if you tell the story just right.

Right?

Anyway, since a .plan update without a humorous tidbit is like a day without sunshine, here's a quick bit about telemarketers:

I don't like telemarketers. Actually, one of my very best friends is a telemarketer, so I can't make a blanket statement like that. I don't like on-duty telemarketers. They are annoying folks that don't seem to understand simple things like the word "no" and the phrase "I'm going to hang up on you now". When I was sick at home with mono for a few weeks, I was amazed at the sheer volume of phone calls coming in during the day that were asking me to sign up for stuff, buy stuff, answer questions for stuff, donate to stuff, and explain why I had not yet tried stuff.

I try to take the approach of "three strikes and you're out" with telemarketers. I politely tell them that I'm not interested two times. If they still keep pushing me to try/buy/donate something after that, it's open season. Most of the conversations start to turn ugly after they hit that point. They usually degenerate to the point where I find myself saying things like "Do you have a daughter? Is she cute?" and "What are you wearing?".

My goal is to get the telemarketer to hang up first. I see it as claiming victory in the face of their surrender. It also usually provides about a minute of entertainment that's roughly above the level of prime-time TV.

Anyway, some of these telemarketers manage to make the major mistake of calling me when I'm in no mood to deal with them. This usually results in an immediate hang-up. If I happen to have the materials handy, I'll often pop a plastic bag loudly next to the phone and scream, "I've been shot!!" before hanging up. If I REALLY hit the jackpot and have a sheet of bubble-wrap nearby, I'll twist the sheet and pop a whole bunch of bubbles in rapid-fire succession into the phone's mouthpiece before screaming that I've been shot.

Every once in a while, I'll get a telemarketer that surprises me. Those are the folks that don't start right in by asking for you and then telling you what they are trying to sell you. These people try to punch up the usual sales routine a bit before throwing it at you. These are perhaps the most annoying of the bunch, since they think that being a little bit more clever than the average bear will require you to give in and hand over your money in dejected defeat.

I just look at this as a bit of a challenge. Cleverness on the part of the telemarketer results in my skipping the "three strikes and you're out" rule. We just dive straight into the torment.

Shortly after I returned from my marathon of business travel and sat on my bed, I let out a big sigh. I was finally home. After two weeks of travel, I was finally back in my own apartment. I had a grand total of ten minutes to enjoy it before the phone rang.

I picked up the phone. It was a telemarketer. I hung up the phone. Boy, that was easy.

About an hour later, the phone rang again. I answered it, and was greeting by a very peppy-sounding young man.

"Is this Andrew Henderson?" the guy asked. I said that it was, so his cheeriness jacked up a notch or two before he let me have it:

"What would you say if I could give you 3 CDs for just ONE PENNY??!?" was his enthusiastic response to me. If I could have seen this kid in person, I have no doubt that he smiled right after he said that and that there was a little glint of light on his teeth because they were so white and shiny.

I hate clever telemarketers. Actually, since one of my very best friends is a clever telemarketer, I should probably say that I hate on-duty clever telemarketers.

Damn it, Faith... hurry up and get a non-telemarketing job, will ya?

"What would you say if I could give you the block of ham in my refridgerator for only 50 CENTS??!?" was my enthusiastic reply. I heard a slight "err, umm..." coming from the other end of the line. Whatever response this guy was expecting, it sure as hell wasn't this. My verbal machette had just put a big dent in this guy's mental thicket.

Much to my surprise, the telemarketer came back with, "well, that's a good deal, sir... but it's not as good of a deal as three CDs for a penny!" Very smooth recovery there, ace, but not good enough. I wasn't going to admit defeat that easily.

I was quiet for a split second before responding with, "tell you what... can I trade in that block of ham in my fridge for 150 of your CDs?" I once again heard a lot of "err, umm"ing coming from the other end of the line. This was starting to become more trouble for this guy than it was worth.

"Well, err... I don't think that'll work..." was his response. Time for the kill.

"Sorry, I can't help you then. I work on a ham-only basis." And with that, I hung up on the guy.

Was it a retreat on my part? I don't think so. I just didn't have anything more to say to the guy. I get the feeling that if that particular call was recorded for "quality purposes", it's going to get played back a whole heck of a lot during the office parties at that telemarketing place.