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If I knew that updating a .plan file was this entertaining, I would have
started doing semi-regular updates a long time ago.  Oh well.  My web space
is located at and I can be reached via e-mail

Archived .plan entries can be seen at

*19 June 2003 - The legal battles heat up*
I had mentioned before that I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in 
court.  I also mentioned that most of my time on the stand was spent 
defending my character from a lawyer who had found my .plan archives.  
She was intent on using the archive to prove what an awful person I am.  
Now that the trial is over, a final decision has been made, and the 
dust has settled, it's finally time to fill everyone in on what 
happened during my day at court.

But first, I need to back up a bit and tell you how I got into this 
mess.  Be prepared for a few shocks.

First off, I'm engaged.  This hasn't come up in the .plan before, but 
it's coming up now.  Not only am I engaged, but the woman I'm engaged 
to, Faith, is still married.  Faith also has a son that just recently 
had his fourth birthday.  To add to the complication, Faith currently 
lives in Georgia.  You don't have to be Marco Polo to realize that 
Georgia is quite a distance from California.  There are quite a variety 
of objects that are located between the two states... items such as 
deserts, mountains, rivers, swamps, forests, and Texas.

Faith is freshly divorced and no longer anchored in Georgia because of 
her husband. Words can't really begin to describe this man, but I'll 
give it my best shot.  Remember back when you were in high school?  
Hell, some of you fine readers might still be in high school.  You 
could probably take a good look at most of your classmates and guess 
where a lot of them were going to end up about five years outside of 
school.  On one side of the spectrum, there were those that were 
destined for higher education and great things.  There were also those 
whose grades weren't that great, but they were going to become 
personally successful just because they worked so hard at everything 
they did.  On the other side of the spectrum, there were those that 
were destined to pump gas for a living because they sought an existence 
requiring a minimal amount of effort.  Finally, we have the ones that 
still live at home with mom and dad and sponge resources with all their 

It's hard to pigeonhole anyone into any of these categories because 
there are a lot of factors acting on someone going through high school.  
Still, there is a certain level of drive, independence, and effort that 
makes up a large part of an individual's personality.  It's the 
motivation to become something better and provide a better future for 
you and your family that really separates the winners from the losers 
in life.  Those that give up on themselves will have their personal 
development stall.  At that point, your daily routine stops becoming 
interesting and becomes more of a tiring run on a gerbil exercise 

Combine the gas pump attendant with the guy living at home with mom and 
dad, and you're approaching Faith's husband.  Throw in the gerbil wheel 
and you're just about there.  Add in the internet dating and getting 
your girlfriend pregnant, while still married to your wife, and you're 
closer still.  Finally, mix in the fact that he was demoted because he 
was caught screwing around with a 17 year-old checkout girl at the 
grocery store where they both worked, and I think you've got him just 
about pegged.

Did I mention that he was still married to Faith when he was screwing 
around with the 17 year-old checkout girl?  Roll that in there, too.
Faith is the opposite of her husband in many, many respects.  She's a 
tiny little thing while he's nearly a foot taller than she is.  Faith 
is an orphan from a huge family (we're talking fourteen kids here, 
folks), and her husband is from a small family with a rather 
controlling, dominant, and not-quite-that-swift mother.  Faith is a 
genius, and her husband is determined to reserve thought for emergency 
situations.  Faith's continued steps towards high education were 
strongly discouraged by her husband, who felt that a woman's place is 
in one of three places: the kitchen, the bedroom, or straddling a pole 
in a bar.
Faith and I have known each other since college.  We bumped into each 
other at freshman orientation, and we became close friends rather 
quickly.  We were both in the Air Force ROTC program on scholarships, 
and she was often in the background while my roommates and I were 
merrily blowing up portions of the countryside.

It wasn't long before Faith's high school boyfriend started to realize 
that he was going to lose his girlfriend to some guy she met at 
college, so he decided to marry Faith to stand his ground.  She happily 
accepted and was looking forward to the calm, stable home life that she 
never really had a chance to experience while growing up.  Seven years 
later, two of which have been spent trying to divorce him, she's 
continuing her research into time travel so that she can go back in 
time to warn her younger self not to marry him.

When Faith decided that enough was enough, she took matters into her 
own hands.  She left her husband, found a job, and got her son in 
daycare.  She worked as much as she could in order to afford her own 
apartment, and then she began saving as much as she could in order to 
continue her education.  Not many people would be willing to start from 
scratch like that, but she's not typical in many respects.  I mean, 
hell... she's marrying me.  That proves that she's a little nutty.

While she was in the midst of this large-scale juggling act, the two of 
us got back into contact.  We were a whole country apart from each 
other, but phone calls, e-mail, and instant messages cut that distance 
down considerably.  After several visits out to the west coast, one 
Christmas visit to my parent's home, and countless e-mails and phone 
calls later, we decided that getting married would be a pretty smart 

The tricky part in all this was the actual "move" part.  You see, Faith 
was still trying to get divorced, and her husband was trying every 
stall tactic he could to delay the process.  He turned in paperwork 
late.  He filed incorrect paperwork.  He made false claims.  Basically, 
he threw everything he could in her way to delay the divorce.  It was 
largely out of spite, but he also had the misconception that one day 
he'd win her back by beating her independent streak into submission.  
She'd admit she was wrong, dejectedly return to him, and he'd once 
again be free to drink beer at strip clubs while she was cleaning the 
kitchen at home.

The most powerful stall tactic he had, though, was his son.  He twisted 
the entire divorce proceedings into a long and drawn-out custody battle 
over his son.  He wasn't too crazy about having his son around all the 
time; of course, since that would involve daycare, supervision, and 
time that he felt could be better spent elsewhere.  Still, when it 
comes to tormenting your spouse, using your child as leverage is one of 
the more effective approaches.  He demanded that Faith should not be 
allowed to leave Georgia or Florida with his son.  This made it rather 
difficult for Faith and I, since that halted her plans to relocate to 

His attempts to stall Faith's relocation continued for quite some time.  
He'd agree to something, and then change his mind at the last minute 
and submit paperwork saying he changed his mind.  He demanded that a 
custody evaluator examine both parents in an attempt to drain Faith's 
financial resources.  His lawyer would delay court dates, drag out 
depositions over multiple days, and aid in his attempts to delay Faith.  
Almost every one of his stall tactics backfired as Faith quietly 
recorded phone calls, collected receipts, and gathered evidence that 
discredited all of her husband's invalid claims and delays.  Her stash 
of evidence was staggering.  His attempts to break both her spirit and 
bank account just made her more determined to win. 

Finally, it looked like Faith's day of justice was at hand.  Her 
husband had run out of stall tactics, everything was in order for the 
trial, and even the judge himself had admitted that "this case needs 
closure".  It was going to be a battle royale between the husband's 
whining about how boys need their fathers and Faith's massive stacks of 
evidence, reports, and research supporting her divorce and relocation 
to California with her son.

This is where I come into this story.  I was subpoenaed to testify at 
this trial on behalf of Faith's relocation.  I received the subpoena in 
the mail, and let out a big sigh of frustration.  Then, I took my 
business suit to go get cleaned, shined my shoes, and started hunting 
around online for cheap plane tickets from California to Florida.

I was going to have to go head-to-head with the husband's lawyer during 
questioning, and her whole goal was to display me as being a bad 
influence on Faith and her son.  I was the reason she wanted to move to 
California, so it seemed that assassinating my character was probably 
the easiest way to shoot down Faith's prospects of relocation.

And now for the exciting part: Faith's husband knew little about me 
aside from the fact that I had this "interweb thing" that told people 
how I'm a dangerous character that blows stuff up, racks up credit card 
debt, and doesn't respect baby Jesus.  So, his lawyer hit the web, 
found my .plan archive, and started to read.  All she knew about me was 
from what she saw on my website, so all of her questioning was based 
off of things in the .plan and my resume.  She was certain that she'd 
be able to bury me with all of the things she found, and she prepared a 
massive list of questions that were designed to make me look like the 
kind of person who would microwave puppies.
I take great satisfaction in the fact that the husband had to pay his 
lawyer for the hours she spent reading and analyzing the .plan 
archives.  I'm certain that there are some words in the archives that 
she had to look up in a dictionary, and I'm also certain that she got 
completely upset when she couldn't figure out how to decode the Geek 
Code block I've got in one of my .plan updates.  Perhaps she should 
have taken that as a hint of what she was going up against, but she 
completely missed the hint and carried on with the planning of her 
infallible smear campaign.

Someone should have warned this woman what she was about to get herself 

Next Court Update: The .plan goes to court

Matlock was never like this.  

When this .plan was written: 2003-06-19 23:39:47
.plan archives for this user are here (RSS here).
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